Mentoring the Rising Gen
Paul Edelman
Edelman & Associates
Paul@EdelmanCoaching.com
Paul Edelman of Edelman & Associates is a coach and consultant to executives, family businesses, family offices, and professional advisors. Paul brings more than thirty-five years of experience providing insight, support, and facilitation to his clients and demonstrates a skilled understanding of individual, group, team, organizational, and family dynamics. In his coaching practice, Paul helps clients systematically and objectively solve complex problems, make consequential decisions, and achieve desired outcomes.
Prior to coaching and consulting, Paul served as an internal organization development consultant at AT&T, an executive search consultant, and VP of a successfully tech startup. He is an experienced angel investor, board chair, and advisory board member and is an active alumnus of MIT, Harvard Graduate School of Arts and Sciences, and Harvard Kennedy School. Raised in Levittown and Garden City, NY, Paul grew up working in the family business. He now lives in Boston area with his wife, Julia Edelman. They have two adult sons.
Kirby Rosplock
Welcome to the Tamarind Learning Podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Kirby Rosplock. And today, we have a super special guest, paul Edelman of Edelman and Associates. Paul has so much wisdom and knowledge to share with us, and we're going to dig deep into mentoring today. So I'm going to let Paul tell you a little bit about himself and a little bit about his background and how he came to be so passionate around coaching and mentoring. Welcome, Paul.
Paul Edelman
Thanks, Kirby. Looking forward to our conversation. So I became passionate about mentoring because I've had the good fortune to have so many good mentors over the course of my life, and they've made a huge difference for me at many different key junctures in my life. Most relevant to your audience is the notion, first of all, that I grew up in a family business. And it started out as a modest kind of mom and pop business. And when I was growing up, initially we lived in a town called Levittown, which was a place for returning GIs, where you could buy a house for $100 down, $9,000 total, and two or 3% interest. But by the time I was eight, my parents had had some success, and we moved 20 minutes away to the town of Garden City, Long Island, which was a totally different world. Garden City was kind of a bedroom community for Wall Street. One of my first friends in the fourth grade, his grandfather had founded a Fortune 500 company, and he was really one of the wealthiest kids in town. And spending time with him and his family was was a total awakening for me.
Paul Edelman
It opened the door to a completely different world than anything I had ever seen before. So in the words of Jim Grubman, or the metaphor that he uses of the land of wealth, I was essentially an immigrant to the land of wealth. And I had a number of experiences with mentors that helped me to make that transition. Eventually, I went on to college and grad school, and I ended up studying psychology, and I particularly studied about learning and development, adolescent and adult learning and development. And along the way, again, I worked with a number of mentors. And so when I finished school, I began doing coaching and consulting. And over the years, my work concentrated a lot in working with family businesses. And in more recent years, partly because of my own experiences growing up, I got interested in the field of wealth psychology. And so I began to work with a mentor, Jim Grubman, who introduced me to this world or helped me to come up to speed, so to speak. And today I work with next gens. I lead a group of next gens from a variety of family enterprises, and I also work with family businesses and individual family members.
Kirby Rosplock
So, Paul, tell me a little bit more about this concept of immigrants and natives. I think you and I are pretty familiar with it, but maybe our audience isn't as familiar. How does this concept really resonate in a mentoring context? Why would thinking about immigrants and natives to wealth really be a population of interest, particularly who might be looking for a mentor?
Paul Edelman
Yes. Well, ultimately the experience of having a mentor is a specific example of the general experience of learning and development. But having a mentor can help to accelerate that process and it can help us to learn things that we otherwise might not have access to. So in this notion of Jim Grubman's about the immigrant to the land of wealth, the idea is that when you grow up in a foreign land, a different place, in other words, like my experience of being in Levittown, where every house was the same. They were all very modest and so on. And then you come to a place like Garden City. It's a whole different thing. Country clubs and debutante balls and this sort of thing, it's all foreign to you. And so there are some things that you need to learn to adapt and adjust to the new environment. There are some things that you bring with you from your old experience that will be useful to you. But there are other things or attitudes or ways of looking at the world that may not be so helpful that you may want to leave behind. And so a mentor can help with this kind of sorting out or adjustment process.
Paul Edelman
Mentors can be role models. They can open doors for you, they can provide information and advice. They can provide you with accurate feedback, they can provide friendship or emotional support, or they can advocate for you in various ways. And so all of those things can be helpful. Natives to the land of wealth have a different experience. They grow up in this world. So it's not that things are unfamiliar to them, but they have to learn a lot of things that others don't have to learn. There's a whole additional level of complexity to growing up in a wealthy family. For example, Tamarind Learning teaches about trusts and estates and investment management and portfolio construction. And what is the role of a beneficiary or the role of a trustee? These are things that many people never need to learn. But someone who grows up in a wealthy family has a lot to learn and sometimes they need to learn it very quickly. That the next gens in the group that I coach, many of them will ultimately take on the central position of leadership in their families or their family's businesses. And they don't have a lot of time to come up to speed.
Paul Edelman
In a sense, it's like they're parachuted in to these positions of very high responsibility, whereas their parents or their grandparents may have had much more time to learn and grow and evolve to be able to take on those roles.
Kirby Rosplock
So it sounds like mentoring can also be again, we think a lot about the next generation. We think about bringing them up. I love this idea of the parachute and what happens when that rising generation gets sort of thrust into an expectation to be in a role that perhaps they never even thought they were going to be put into. So I love this idea of how mentors, and yourself in particular, support these individuals. And it sounds like you also do it in peer group. So tell us more about that.
Paul Edelman
Well, there's a lot of ways in which one can receive the benefits of mentoring. I think of mentoring as much as a function as it is a person. So you don't have to be called a mentor to do these things. And mentoring can occur in a one on one relationship, but it can also occur in a group relationship. And there are cultural distinctions in this as well. In the US. We tend to have a kind of individualistically oriented culture, and we tend to think of the mentor as a single person. But a country like Israel, on the Kabuts, they might have a whole group of adults that's responsible for mentoring a whole group of children. But in any case, you can have peer groups for learning and support where individuals mentor each other. There may be someone like me as a leader who can be a mentor as well. And there's also the phenomenon of reverse mentoring, which is growing in popularity today, where in some family enterprises, for example, the members of the rising generation are encouraged to take on the role of mentoring their elders, for example, with respect to technologies like social media or other web applications or even learning to use all the features of their mobile phone.
Paul Edelman
So in that process, both sides can learn and grow from each other. It's inevitable that they each influence the other.
Kirby Rosplock
Well, I can see how that would be incredibly validating. So to have perhaps the younger or less experience in perception generation providing so much value. We live in this highly technological age where if you don't know how to use your iPad or your iPhone or your Android, you can feel quickly left behind. So I can see and I have children myself, so I see how my twelve almost 13 year old and 15, almost 16 year old can lap me with all the apps and all the opportunities that are out there. I think that's a really powerful premise around mentoring, is that there is this idea to level the playing field and how mentoring might be that vehicle to help the rising generation also feel validated. That's something that a lot of rising generation struggle with, is, do you see me? Can I add value?shout-out
Paul Edelman
Yes. Well, when parents make the decision to provide a mentor as a resource to their offspring, it's an indication to the offspring the message it sends is that you are valued and that we're willing to do whatever it takes to support you in your learning and growth. And sometimes parents are role modeling certain bravery or courage because the thing that the younger person wants to learn may make the parents uncomfortable in some way. For example, there's the movie about Jessica Watson, who was the youngest person to sail around the globe, and her parents were not at all comfortable with the notion, even though they were sailors, and they encouraged her early interest in sailing. They weren't particularly delighted with the thought of their daughter setting off in a little boat to go all around the world. But they recognized that this was her dream and they wanted to support her in that dream. And so when she asked for that kind of support, they came through and were willing to provide it. That message not only fosters the person's learning at the cognitive level, in other words, learning skills or information, but it also fosters the development of personality.
Paul Edelman
They develop a sense of self esteem, a sense of self confidence, a sense of being valued. And also, of course, they learn that when they want to master something new, that they can seek out resources and benefit from them.
Kirby Rosplock
Well, and I love that you brought up that film, True Spirit. That's another one we can give a shout-out for because it's a pretty powerful, heroic story of a young girl who, from Australia, dreams to circumnavigate the globe in a sailboat on her own. The youngest at 15. I think what always I was so marveled at was she had true passion and purpose, but the mentoring of that sailing advisor or mentor was what gave her the confidence, right. The follow through, the technical skills. So it was both a whole series of soft skills and technical skills to be able to execute on her dream. And I love that example, Paul, because essentially that's what you help, right? Rising Gen and let's be fair, the immigrants to wealth who maybe grew up in lower middle-class circumstances and now have built a business or built wealth that puts them on the other side of the spectrum, have a lot of things to learn and train up to as well. So even though they might have arrived and succeeded, I love this idea, too, that you work with even senior family members to figure out how to grow, how to continue to thrive, and also how to inspire that rising gen, because their shadows can be enormous, right?
Paul Edelman
Yes. That's one of the things that inspired me to get into the specific niche of, well, psychology. In the middle of my career, I worked with a hedge fund where I was advising on talent acquisition, and I had occasion to work with the family office. And I saw that the founder, who was a world renowned figure, very visible person, that his son was working as the head of the family office. And it activated my empathy. I thought to myself, gee, I wonder what it's like to be in the son's role, to grow up in the shadow of a father who's such a prominent figure. It would seem that it'd be natural that every day you'd sort of wake up and ask yourself, who might I be in this world were it not for the accident of my birth? And I thought people like that could really benefit from support. And I wonder if this is a thing. And I began to do some Internet research, and that's ultimately how I came across people in this field. And ultimately, I was referred to Jim Grubman and to the Purposeful Planning Institute and to the Family Firm Institute, and that's kind of how I entered the field.
Kirby Rosplock
Well, we're so glad that you are in the field, because I believe it takes a village. Right? When we think about those who have immigrated to wealth or built really successful family businesses or are perpetuating, stewarding, very big enterprising families, it takes a village to continue to help them to thrive. And as much as maybe one or two individuals might say, well, I built this, this is mine, the reality is it took a team of family members, a team of employees, a team of advisors. And I can see how the mentoring process can be an integral strategic investment to really be thoughtful right, about perpetuating and growing human capital, but also just building stability into a family ecosystem.
Paul Edelman
Yes. When you say it takes a village, I think that once people come to understand mentoring as being a function as much as being a person, they can become more aware and pay more attention to where there might be opportunities to learn from somebody else. So if you have this broader conceptualization, you can look for and find mentors anywhere. One of my favorite mentors and coaches was the former Yankee baseball player Yogi Berra, and he was known for his Yogiisms. And one of the things that Yogi Berra might have said is, when you look, you tend to see things. The more you look, the more you tend to see, something like that. When you have this awareness, you're more likely to recognize opportunities where you can take advantage of somebody and learn from them.
Kirby Rosplock
Yeah, and I see it a lot, too, in my work, where families will want to be mentored by other families, right? Who might have gone through a similar situation that they're going through, and it's five years in the rearview mirror of the other family, or ten years, and they can provide tremendous modeling or even don't do it this way because it didn't work out so well for us. Or they can also just shed light that, listen, there is the other side of where you are today, which is sometimes hard when you're facing a big transition. You're looking at sort of do we keep this business? Do we not keep it? Do we encourage little Sally or Little Jimmy to come into this? Or how do we face some of these major transitions? And I also see mentoring as pivotal in helping normalize, right? Sometimes kind of rocky, traumatic transitions. What are your thoughts on that?
Paul Edelman
Yes, well, this is the sort of thing that comes up quite a bit in the peer group that I lead. So one of the benefits of a peer group is that the young people come to see that they're not alone and that whatever they're facing, there's a good chance that their peers are facing something similar. So one example that comes to mind, and this is a bit paradoxical, because oftentimes mentors will tell someone to stay the course or to stick it out. But in this particular case, one of the members of the group who grew up in a family business chose to distance himself from that, at least for a time, and to found his own company with a friend. And so he was struggling in this startup company and he would share his experiences with the group. And group members came to question his business model and they essentially said, how scalable is this business that you've got? And ultimately he came to realize that there were some structural constraints on the business he had chosen to found. And he was really kind of beating his head against the wall. And so at some point they said to him, why not sell your share and go on to something else?
Paul Edelman
And eventually he did do that. And so it was a kind of a watershed moment for him, and he was able to do it with their encouragement, so he didn't feel like a failure. And he went on to ultimately to join his family's business. And now he's getting experience that will prepare him for more and more responsibility within the family business.
Kirby Rosplock
That's fantastic. That's a great story. I'm glad you shared that. So are there any sort of key tips or takeaways that we might be able to impart that you could share with our listeners and viewers today that could help them if they're thinking about starting a mentoring relationship or hurdles to overcome to find a mentor? Anything that you want to leave us with today? Paul.
Paul Edelman
Well, a lot of different thoughts and experiences flood into my mind from different points in my life. First of all, I think it's important to be open. And another thing is to I would say the process really begins with defining what your desired outcomes are. So you want to ask yourself, what is it that I want to do or accomplish? What is my dream? Just as Jessica Watson said, I want to be the first to sail around the globe solo at my age. And then you can say, okay, well, what do I need to learn in order to do that? And then you can say to yourself, okay, well, where could I learn that or who could I learn that from? And you need to be open to it. I remember when I was in graduate school, I was a little frustrated with one professor who had been assigned as my adviser. And I went to a mentor of mine from undergraduate school, and I told him about my situation, and he said, well, what thoughts do you have about who else on the faculty you might be able to learn from and advance in the direction of your goals?
Paul Edelman
And I mentioned one person, and I said, but he's really old. He's bent over, he walks with a cane. I don't know how soon he's going to retire. And my mentor said to me, and this is one function of a mentor, to give accurate feedback. He said, Paul, that's just prejudice. And so I said, you're right. And the next day, I scheduled an appointment to meet with that professor, and he did become my mentor, and I did my doctoral thesis with him. And to this day, I'm grateful for that opportunity.
Kirby Rosplock
That's a fantastic story. I'm so again, so appreciative to have you on the Taylor Learning podcast today. Really great insights on mentoring considerations if you're in the native or immigrant to wealth camp. Also considerations around peer learning and how mentoring is really a function, maybe not just a person, and great ideas about how to get started. So thank you for sharing so many great pieces of wisdom. I want to just call out that your website has a ton more. Edelmancoaching.com has a blog, it has resources, it shares a lot more. Paul is probably one of the most credentialed individuals who ever have a chance to meet, so check them all out because he's been to Harvard and MIT and everywhere in between. So, Paul, thank you again so much for being here today and sharing your thoughts on this important topic.
Paul Edelman
Thanks, Kirby. I enjoyed talking with you.
